it’s way later in December than you thought and you have found yourself panicky, sweaty and a total chump. Well I am here to tell you that, since your twenties, your skills in planning and time management haven’t gotten any better, and, let’s be real, neither have your paychecks (Don’t be mad, I just call it as I see it). So I came up with a list of really great last minute gifts that will fit your post-college/in-between jobs right now/’I am a writer & EBT is keeping me alive’ budget.
1. DAMS/CONDOMS: This may seem dorky but imagine if instead of running to Walgreens every time you though you were going to get laid, someone gave you a giant box of condoms to last you until Spring? Fill a gift box with your person’s favorite condoms, dams or both and sleep well knowing no one has to do a latex-run while it’s snowing. My all time favorites are Kimono ($1.35), Sir Richards ($1) & FC2 non-latex internal condoms ($3) and for dams I loooove Hot Dam (non-latex) ($1.75) & Glyde dams ($1.75) in various flavors. All are vegan!
2. CLAMPS: If you’re like me, you enjoy just a bit of nipple torture and clamps can be the perfect way to get your pinch on while your hands are occupied elsewhere. I recommend Tweezer-style for people who like light clamping sensation ($18), Broad-tip for people who want to vary from light to moderate ($18) and Clover clamps for the wonderfully depraved who know they can handle anything short of ripping them off ($25). Cheers to you, my people.
3. PINWHEEL: If you are new to sensation play, give this little toy a try ($14). Pinwheels look really scary but can produce a light tickle if run over the skin lightly. If you press harder, well, it gets wonderful-if that’s your jam. I never pack a toy bag without throwing one of these in because they end up pleasing most everyone in a crowd. Bonus: the stainless steel makes it easy to sanitize!
4. JIMMYJANE MASSAGE CANDLES & STONE: I know what you’re thinking, “A $30 candle? Fuck you” but these candles are baller ($29). They’re made of soy wax and when lit, melt at a low temp into massage oil that you can pour directly onto the skin. They are perfect for travel and smell so goddamn good it makes me forgive capitalism for just a hot second. I actually scooped some oil out and carry a travel size container in my purse to make people think I smell like cookies and definitely not dog slobber. Hint: wear vanilla if you want some dick, opt for the bourbon if you want some dyke- Just one woman’s advice.
The stone ($25) is a nice addition and will give your thumbs a rest when you’re pretending you know how to work out a knot. Pro tip: pour the melted oil in the concave of the stone to heat up the ceramic.
5. C-RINGS: When you’re my age, there are often two types of cocks in the world: ones that need to hurry it up and some that need to slow way the fuck down. Naturally, a style of C-ring exists to complement both types. Vibrating C-rings are designed to speed up orgasm by placing the attached bullet vibe against the perineum (or above the penis to stimulate a partner). Non-vibrating C-rings restrict blood flow so erections are harder but the system as a whole chills out to give the rest of us time to catch up. Grab a stretchy C-ring and, before the penis is erect, drop the balls in and stretch the top over the penis. Vibration lovers should skip the gross jelly many of these are made of and check out this silicone ring ($34) & those of you learning to mellow might like these simple nitrile rings ($9).
6. HANKIES: So you’re looking for a top? Someone to shine your boots? Pee in your mouth? That’s cool. Say it with a hanky ($12). The gay community has been flagging sexual preferences and requests before Craigslist had an internet to live on. This set has been fantastically illustrated with the activity being sought or offered. Wear your hanky on the left if you’re looking to give/top and on the right if you’d like to receive/bottom. Check out what the colors mean before you buy one. Take my word on that.
7. BOOKS: Before the internet, people used to pass the time by reading these really long blogs printed on paper. Some are even still sold today. Try The Whole Lesbian Sex Book ($25), Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica ($15), The New Bottoming Book or The New Topping Book for your kinky New Years resolutions ($15), the Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men ($17), or teach yourself some sweet rope work with Midori’s classic: The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage ($28).
8. BONDAGE TAPE & SAFETY SCISSORS: And speaking of bondage, why don’t you retire that ridiculous scarf you’ve been using and get a roll of bondage tape ($8)? The material only sticks to itself, is strong and can be reused depending on how intense your scene was. They come in different colors which pair well with the safety scissors ($12) you’ll need to get with them (Trust me, this shit doesn’t tear like duct tape and when your kids is knocking on the door because the tree outside their window looks like a scary man, you don’t have time to unwrap each limb from your bedposts).
9. TANTUS CLOSEOUT: If you’re not familiar with Tantus’ closeout page you should reassess what your life is and check it out now! They have top-of-the-line silicone toys in styles or colors they are eager to sell and you get ridiculous savings. Right now through the end of December, get 25% off closeout items! Use code: WINTERWONDERLAND. Currently, they are listing The Pro-Touch Vibe for prostate stimulation ($11.25) The Little Secret Tease external vibrator ($15) and the G-spot Pearl White dildo ($18.75). There is no acceptable reason you don’t own a Tantus toy. Get one & I promise 2014 will be better for it.
10. PLUGS: Show someone’s butt some love this year and grab a silicone plug which can be sanitized like the silicone Sidekick which comes in two sizes and a perfect shape ($22-24). Want one that will vibrate but is still under $25? Fuze silicone hosts a line of plugs ($22) with a hole through the handle to accommodate a bullet vibe. The vibrator sits in the base outside of the body while the vibrations transfers throughout the silicone. Try The Arrow for a smooth, tapered plug and The Quattro which is longer and in the style of anal beads.
11. LUBE: You may have heard: I’m into lube. I carry it with me everywhere to spread the good word and I settle for nothing less than top-quality, body-safe ingredients. If you’re not already using Sliquid, GET SOME NOW! Their organic, paraben and glycerine free water-based comes in both liquid ($10) and gel (which is great for butts!) ($11) and even says “Vegan” on the label. If I could take a bullet for one lube company, Sliquid would be it. For a sophisticated silicone lube, try one of my favorites: Uberlube which comes in a beautiful glass bottle and can be used on genitals, hair, tattoos and bike chains! You cannot loose ($18).
12. DIY: Get creative! ($0) I’m not sure anyone would be against the idea of getting a voucher for a really good spanking or full-body massage or Rachel Maddow role play. Hand write coupons for things your partner wants & you are willing to do. This is an excellent way to come up with ideas for an, “I dont know, whatever you want to do” kind of night. How else would you suggest eating Thai peanut sauce off my strap on?
Whether your partner wants to be flogged to Azalea Banks or just wants to rip your stockings, fuck you and then order a pizza (true life), set up an evening dedicated to whatever they’ve been asking for all year. This gift will make a more significant impact than a shitty sweater set that screams, “I don’t even know you, please stop having regular sex with me!”
And do not underestimate the power of a well-lit, high quality dick pic. I’m giving so many nudes this year and I doubt anyone will ask me why they didn’t get a fucking popcorn tin. Fix your hair, find a clear location & grab a friend or just your camera. Print them or just send them while you’re person is at work and let them deal with all day boners. You will be well-thanked.
May your holidays be filled with love, lube and nudes!
it’s way later in December than you thought and you have found yourself panicky, sweaty and a total chump. Well I am here to tell you that, since your twenties, your skills in planning and time management haven’t gotten any better, and, let’s be real, neither have your paychecks (Don’t be mad, I just call it […]