Drunk Dyke Responds to Hate Mail

Ask QC | Feminist Rage 11 People Give a Shit 11 People Give a Shit

After getting back into the Tumblr game, I have been subject to an onslaught of strange, creepy and mean emails from- you guessed it! Our good friend, Anonymous. Now I am no stranger to complaints, unwanted marriage proposals and hate mail and sometimes they do an OK job of getting my attention, but as a part of my very busy, pretty awesome life I cannot commit to focusing precious energy on being upset by the trolls of the vast interwebs. Really, I’M TOO DRUNK & FABULOUS FOR THIS SHIT. So, Anonymous, you don’t get to ruin my time by making me me respond individually to your misguided/rude/stupid emails everyday. Instead I’ve collected them in one place so we can all laugh at you. Good job.

Do I drink because I'm on the internet or am I on the internet because I'm drunk?

Do I drink because I’m on the internet or am I on the internet because I’m drunk?

 

Ur a bitch. I hate you.

And that’s OK. Much like my butthole, many people have gone there before. Either because I’m a dyke or I’m  fat or because I’m the only one who uses my fucking horn in all of Oregon-whatever it may be. I just want you to know, I am 1000% cool with us not hanging out. But what really what blows my tiny mind, is that you took time out of your shitty life to turn off Duck Dynasty and send me this trash of an insult. The next time you plan on being an inarticulate ass wipe, do better.

 

Hate men mucch??

Oh, not at all. What I do hate is the White Supremacist Capitalist Patriarchy that tells society it is OK to degrade, disrespect, discriminate against, beat, abuse, rape & murder folks who are not male/not White/not Cis/not wealthy/not able-bodied/or did anything you might not have agreed with. Hate spell check much?

 

My grandfather died in WWII so you could be a dyke whore?

Yes, your Grandpa fought the Axis powers and the Nazi regime so you could grow up to hate gays and police women…just like the Nazis. Wait a second.

And not just a “Dyke Whore” but a “Dyke Whore Jew”. Because I feel like that has a bit to do with it too (I know you don’t know anything about anything, but trust me, Jews were definitely ‘invented’ by that time and had something to do with that war).  I’m sorry to hear about your Grandpa, who I know you must have been close with, what with him dying in the 40s. Anyway, have a great life and also, Hail Satan & Eat Pussy. The end.

 

I get that you want to love your body or whatever, but aren’t you worried about being so unhealthy? It makes me sad to see fat people embracing their dangerous lifestyles

And it makes me sad to see ignorant people embracing Their dangerous lifestyles. Despite what you may have heard from all of the research you haven’t done, being fat and being unhealthy are independent of each other. And all bodies are awesome. All of them. If you are super skinny: own it. If you’ve got Peg Bundy hair: that’s rad. If you’re really short: come hang out with me and Aerie and Joan Price because tiny people are the shit. If you’re fat, then guess what, I think that’s groovy too. What’s not cool is pretty much everything about your condescending message. I have absolutely no investment in policing other people’s bodies but I am entirely concerned with the way you treat people who have bodies you don’t understand. Do us all a favor and stop playing the nosy neighbor from Bewitched and fuck off forever. The only lifestyle I am embracing is the one where I am happy, I help people “love their bodies or whatever”, and am not at all sad about my babely existence. Go me.

 

Youre fatter in real life

Um, versus online? Have I been misleading in anyway about my body on this site? I’m definitely a curvaceous fat woman who pretty much has the monopoly on sweet ass in this city. So glad you stopped by to let us all know that you don’t deserve the wonders of fat pussy and that yes, these thighs are even more glorious in person. You’re welcome.

 

Hi there I really like your blog and think you have some interesting things to say. I just wish you wouldn’t swear so much.

Mom, I told you not to read my blog. It’s hard enough that I didn’t become a veterinarian like you had hoped & now you’re telling me to “watch your mouth, young lady” in front of the whole internet. You’re embarrassing me in front of my friends, now PLEASE just drop me off a block away from this party.  (…I love you)

 

After getting back into the Tumblr game, I have been subject to an onslaught of strange, creepy and mean emails from- you guessed it! Our good friend, Anonymous. Now I am no stranger to complaints, unwanted marriage proposals and hate mail and sometimes they do an OK job of getting my attention, but as a […]

To Lelo Mona 2: A Love Letter

Reviews | Toys | Uncategorized 19 People Give a Shit 19 People Give a Shit

This Valentine’s Day I have a very important date. And who did I ask to be my Valentine? One of my partners? Someone I’m sleeping with? Olivia Benson? No, this year my Valentine is the Lelo Mona 2.

MonaTweet3 MonaTweet1 MonaTweet2MonaTweet2MonaTweet3MonaTweetA MonaTweet2 MonaTweet3

You may have noticed that I am obsessed with the Mona. Like creepy keeps-a-can-of-soda-after-you-drink-out-of-it obsessed. I once had a dream that TSA confiscated it from my suitcase and I woke up crying. Yes. So why no review yet? I have been struggling to write a worthy response to the Mona since I started this blog and every description I put to paper sounds like I am just describing a toy. But Mona is not just a toy. ~It is a goddamn lifestyle~ The Mona is how a good friend was able to break up with her shitty boyfriend, knowing she would still get laid if she left him at that gas station. It is how my partner manages to take 57 minute showers and comes out with her hair still unwashed. It is why my neighbors hate me so goddamn much. And if you think every time I hang out with Epiphora, all we talk about is the Mona: you’re right. (Well that and how much we hate Daniel Bergner.) I realized the only proper way to pay tribute to this wonderous vibrator was to get drunk at 11 am and write it a love letter. So sit back, light a candle & prepare for a glimpse into the greatest love story between human and machine.

 

Lelo Mona 2

Don’t all apartments have sex toy shrines?

My Ramona,

Let me start this by saying that I regret ever doubting you before I knew your greatness and apologize for not being worthy of it. I am endlessly humbled by you and thank the sex toy gods everyday for bringing you into my life. I worry that my words cannot capture your beauty and grace but I will still try.

I love your buttons and the way they are perfectly separated so my fingers can find their way to ‘+’ without me having to open my eyes from weeping because of how happy you make me.

I love that I can take you in the shower or bath or in the ocean at Huntington Beach because I’ve had a few lemon drops and why not? Mermaids fuck in there all the time.

Your flawless shape mimics the beautiful fat women I love: curvy, solid frame, widest in the middle and drives my G-Spot crazy.

Your smooth, high-grade silicone is firm and low-maintenance, which is just my style; even though I would pamper you with spa treatments if you asked for it.

Lelo Mona 2

And on the 6th day, Lelo created the Mona

I love that you don’t need batteries and I can charge you once before taking you to San Francisco & I know you will  last 2 full hours; which is exactly how long I spent in bed with you instead of taking pictures of some stupid bridge while Burners offer me DMT.

I can lock your buttons so you don’t turn on when a creep on the BART leans his junk against my bag and asks to smell my hair. You have my back when I yell, “NO SCRUBS!” and push him while getting off the train on the wrong side of the bay. You are a jet setter and I want to see the world with you.

Thank you for the good nights of sleep you’ve given me. You have helped my perfect recipe bedtime regimen become: brush teeth, put on PJs, crawl into bed, Mona, sleep.

And at 5 AM, when my insomnia is so bad I start writing down ideas for BBQ sauce yogurt and “YouGurt: The yogurt that tastes like you”, I know I can distract myself by reaching for your outstretched hand(le) and mellon-ball into daylight. I wouldn’t want to watch the sunrise with any other toy.

When I am trying another toy or person (which I always regret) and this orgasm is just Not Going To Happen, you give me the reassurance that I still can (because, holy fuck, I have been trying for so long with the Layaspot and I was starting to doubt my ability to feel good ever again).

I can always rely on you to close the deal as you pick up the slack of the ever disappointing universe. And in record time.

Mona, you are my closer.

Monami

Monami

You are easy for a partner to hold and your handle puts you in the perfect position every time.

The deep vibration from your motor is perfect on every clitoris I’ve introduced you to and the perfect angle for me to hold against my vulva. You have helped me make G-Spots all over Southern California and Portland believers in hope. In miracles. How can any one shape be so pleasurable to so many different types of bodies? Divine intervention, I’m sure.

We make a great team…So much so that sometimes I wonder if I’m asked to spend the night again because people want to fuck me or you.

You are stylish, strong, talented, sexy and fabulous.

I want to shout from the rooftops so everyone knows, Mona, YOU are the Beyoncé of the sex toy world.

Thank you for some of the best nights, mornings, showers and moments when I am on hold for the EBT hotline I have ever had. I look forward to the orgasms and ladies we plan to share for many years to come.

Eternally grateful and always yours,

Queeraschino Cherry

 

To accept the Lelo Mona 2 into your heart as your personal Lord & Savior, get one at She Vibe for 15% off until February 11th and you lovely readers get a FREE bottle of lube when you enter the code QUEERLUBE in step 2 of checkout.

(May I suggest Sliquid? Because I am.)

 

This year, upgrade your Valentine to the Lelo Mona 2 or make yourself a better Valentine by getting one for someone you moderately love.

 

Reading this past Feb. 11th and the sale is over? QUEERLUBE still works to get you lube with your Mona through June!

This Valentine’s Day I have a very important date. And who did I ask to be my Valentine? One of my partners? Someone I’m sleeping with? Olivia Benson? No, this year my Valentine is the Lelo Mona 2. You may have noticed that I am obsessed with the Mona. Like creepy keeps-a-can-of-soda-after-you-drink-out-of-it obsessed. I once […]

Surviving the Polidays or Poly as the New Black (Sheep)

Guides | Uncategorized 5 People Give a Shit 5 People Give a Shit

The holidays can be a difficult time for people who are suddenly thwarted into the midst of chattering family members who are asking all about your career or your love life and demanding you explain and justify your existence. This year, I will be attending a Christmas Eve celebration with the very large, very Catholic side of my family. I will be bringing both partners who have, for some reason, agreed to support me through what might be more controversial than the time my uncle got really high, climbed up a tree without pants or underwear and wouldn’t come down until the cops tasered him.

As I head into the asshole of the storm, I’m going to be dealing with an array of responses. These range from my Grandma, who’s husband and ex-husband became best friends after she remarried and would say shit to me like, “Go get my husbands for dinner” to an aunt from Louisiana who told children in my family, “The devil’s gonna git you”. I wish Vicodin had an affiliate program so I could just recommend that but since they don’t, here are my tips and tricks for surviving these times without needing to post bail.

A Very Vicodin X-Mas

A Very Vicodin X-Mas

-When in doubt about your holiday photo, include everyone: Partners, fiancées, puppy daddies, the guy from the smoothie cart you’ve been fucking, his girlfriend and both your rescue dogs. “Greetings from all of us!”

-When talking to either of your partners just say “Babe” and have both respond. Watch your Uncle Mark’s head explode.

-When your super Catholic Grandma realizes you have a better chance of having Italian babies with multiple partners, enjoy the look on her face while she tries to figure out which one of them has a penis.

-When your Uncle comments on the multi-racial relationships you are in and says, “You look like you’re collecting a model UN”, kindly remind him that his son is a Juggalo and to shut up forever.

-When you and your partners are forced to take photos with Santa, have all 3 of you pose like you are in Destiny’s Child (because you are).

This is our card from last year

This is our card from last year

-Be sure to keep both partners’ wine glasses full while they congregate in the corner, comforting each other about “all the white people everywhere”.

-Kiss everyone under the mistletoe. Give No Fucks.

-When someone looks at the three of you, confused, and asks, “How does That work?”, just smile when your lady steps in and yells, “LIKE THIS!” making two peace signs scissor the shit out of each other.

-When your 7 year old niece asks you which one is your boyfriend, reply “Both”. She will take a moment to think about this, then turn to your partners and say, “Ok, I needed someone to be C3P0 and R2 anyway”, as she hands them action figures.

We were a 96% match on OkC

We were a 96% match on OkC

-Be prepared when your Dad starts in with the slippery slope argument about people fucking gays, then children then goats. Have adorable goat photos ready on your phone. Name the goat ahead of time.

-Grab both partners’ butts during dinner prayer. But keep your head bowed, because you’re not a total dick.

-When your mom gets drunk on table wine and mumbles, “I’m just happy to see you with someone who adores you as much as I do. We should all be so lucky to have more than one”, start crying, because she fucking gets it (and you are also drunk on table wine).

-When the whole thing is over, thank your people for loving you enough to put up with your really intense, really Sicilian family. Celebrate your survival and go home knowing you fucked shit up way less than when you were 14 and shouted at everyone that they were heartless murderers for eating a turkey. It is good to be loved.

From my imperfect and wonderful family to yours,

Happy Polidays!

The holidays can be a difficult time for people who are suddenly thwarted into the midst of chattering family members who are asking all about your career or your love life and demanding you explain and justify your existence. This year, I will be attending a Christmas Eve celebration with the very large, very Catholic […]

12 Last Minute *Affordable Gifts Because, Let’s Face It, You Fucked Up a Lot This Year

Guides | Toys | Uncategorized 0 comments 0 comments

it’s way later in December than you thought and you have found yourself panicky, sweaty and a total chump. Well I am here to tell you that, since your twenties, your skills in planning and time management haven’t gotten any better, and, let’s be real, neither have your paychecks (Don’t be mad, I just call it as I see it). So I came up with a list of really great last minute gifts that will fit your post-college/in-between jobs right now/’I am a writer & EBT is keeping me alive’ budget.

~You’re welcome~

1. DAMS/CONDOMS: This may seem dorky but imagine if instead of running to Walgreens every time you though you were going to get laid, someone gave you a giant box of condoms to last you until Spring? Fill a gift box with your person’s favorite condoms, dams or both and sleep well knowing no one has to do a latex-run while it’s snowing. My all time favorites are Kimono ($1.35), Sir Richards ($1) & FC2 non-latex internal condoms ($3) and for dams I loooove Hot Dam (non-latex) ($1.75) & Glyde dams ($1.75) in various flavors. All are vegan!

Kimono Condom Sir Richards Condom Glyde Flavored Dams

2. CLAMPS: If you’re like me, you enjoy just a bit of nipple torture and clamps can be the perfect way to get your pinch on while your hands are occupied elsewhere. I recommend Tweezer-style for people who like light clamping sensation ($18), Broad-tip for people who want to vary from light to moderate ($18) and Clover clamps for the wonderfully depraved who know they can handle anything short of ripping them off ($25). Cheers to you, my people.

QC-TWEEZERQC-CLOVER

3. PINWHEEL: If you are new to sensation play, give this little toy a try ($14). Pinwheels look really scary but can produce a light tickle if run over the skin lightly. If you press harder, well, it gets wonderful-if that’s your jam. I never pack a toy bag without throwing one of these in because they end up pleasing most everyone in a crowd. Bonus: the stainless steel makes it easy to sanitize!

pinwheel_7

4. JIMMYJANE MASSAGE CANDLES & STONE: I know what you’re thinking, “A $30 candle? Fuck you” but these candles are baller ($29). They’re made of soy wax and when lit, melt at a low temp into massage oil that you can pour directly onto the skin. They are perfect for travel and smell so goddamn good it makes me forgive capitalism for just a hot second. I actually scooped some oil out and carry a travel size container in my purse to make people think I smell like cookies and definitely not dog slobber. Hint: wear vanilla if you want some dick, opt for the bourbon if you want some dyke- Just one woman’s advice.

The stone ($25) is a nice addition and will give your thumbs a rest when you’re pretending you know how to work out a knot. Pro tip: pour the melted oil in the concave of the stone to heat up the ceramic.

QC-JJJimmyJane Massage Stone

5. C-RINGS: When you’re my age, there are often two types of cocks in the world: ones that need to hurry it up and some that need to slow way the fuck down. Naturally, a style of C-ring exists to complement both types. Vibrating C-rings are designed to speed up orgasm by placing the attached bullet vibe against the perineum (or above the penis to stimulate a partner). Non-vibrating C-rings restrict blood flow so erections are harder but the system as a whole chills out to give the rest of us time to catch up. Grab a stretchy C-ring and, before the penis is erect, drop the balls in and stretch the top over the penis. Vibration lovers should skip the gross jelly many of these are made of and check out this silicone ring ($34) & those of you learning to mellow might like these  simple nitrile rings ($9).

Heaven;y Hearts Silicone Cock RingNitrile Cock Rings

6. HANKIES: So you’re looking for a top? Someone to shine your boots? Pee in your mouth? That’s cool. Say it with a hanky ($12). The gay community has been flagging sexual preferences and requests before Craigslist had an internet to live on. This set has been fantastically illustrated with the activity being sought or offered. Wear your hanky on the left if you’re looking to give/top and on the right if you’d like to receive/bottom. Check out what the colors mean before you buy one. Take my word on that.

blue

 

7. BOOKS: Before the internet, people used to pass the time by reading these really long blogs printed on paper. Some are even still sold today. Try The Whole Lesbian Sex Book ($25), Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica ($15), The New Bottoming Book or The New Topping Book for your kinky New Years resolutions ($15), the Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men ($17), or teach yourself some sweet rope work with Midori’s classic: The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage ($28).

wholelesbiansex_1QC-TAKE  QC-BOTTOM QC-TOPPING QC-MEN QC-MID

 

8. BONDAGE TAPE & SAFETY SCISSORS: And speaking of bondage, why don’t you retire that ridiculous scarf you’ve been using and get a roll of bondage tape ($8)? The material only sticks to itself, is strong and can be reused depending on how intense your scene was. They come in different colors which pair well with the safety scissors ($12) you’ll need to get with them (Trust me, this shit doesn’t tear like duct tape and when your kids is knocking on the door because the tree outside their window looks like a scary man, you don’t have time to unwrap each limb from your bedposts).

bondage_tape_1scissors_2

9. TANTUS CLOSEOUT: If you’re not familiar with Tantus’ closeout page you should reassess what your life is and check it out now! They have top-of-the-line silicone toys in styles or colors they are eager to sell and you get ridiculous savings. Right now through the end of December, get 25% off closeout items! Use code: WINTERWONDERLAND. Currently, they are listing The Pro-Touch Vibe for prostate stimulation ($11.25) The Little Secret Tease external vibrator ($15) and the G-spot Pearl White dildo ($18.75). There is no acceptable reason you don’t own a Tantus toy. Get one & I promise 2014 will be better for it.

Tantus Protouch Tantus Little Secret Tease Tantus G-spot

10. PLUGS: Show someone’s butt some love this year and grab a silicone plug which can be sanitized like the silicone Sidekick which comes in two sizes and a perfect shape ($22-24). Want one that will vibrate but is still under $25? Fuze silicone hosts a line of plugs ($22) with a hole through the handle to accommodate a bullet vibe. The vibrator sits in the base outside of the body while the vibrations transfers throughout the silicone. Try The Arrow for a smooth, tapered plug and The Quattro which is longer and in the style of anal beads.

QC-ARROW1QC-QUATTRO1QC-FUZE

 

11. LUBE: You may have heard: I’m into lube. I carry it with me everywhere to spread the good word and I settle for nothing less than top-quality, body-safe ingredients. If you’re not already using Sliquid, GET SOME NOW! Their organic, paraben and glycerine free water-based comes in both liquid ($10) and gel (which is great for butts!) ($11) and even says “Vegan” on the label. If I could take a bullet for one lube company, Sliquid would be it. For a sophisticated silicone lube, try one of my favorites:  Uberlube which comes in a beautiful glass bottle and can be used on genitals, hair, tattoos and bike chains! You cannot loose ($18).

organics-natural organics-gel 22FM13

12. DIY: Get creative! ($0) I’m not sure anyone would be against the idea of getting a voucher for a really good spanking or full-body massage or Rachel Maddow role play. Hand write coupons for things your partner wants & you are willing to do. This is an excellent way to come up with ideas for an, “I dont know, whatever you want to do” kind of night. How else would you suggest eating Thai peanut sauce off my strap on?

Whether your partner wants to be flogged to Azalea Banks or just wants to rip your stockings, fuck you and then order a pizza (true life), set up an evening dedicated to whatever they’ve been asking for all year. This gift will make a more significant impact than a shitty sweater set that screams, “I don’t even know you, please stop having regular sex with me!”

And do not underestimate the power of a well-lit, high quality dick pic. I’m giving so many nudes this year and I doubt anyone will ask me why they didn’t get a fucking popcorn tin. Fix your hair, find a clear location & grab a friend or just your camera. Print them or just send them while you’re person is at work and let them deal with all day boners. You will be well-thanked.

 

May your holidays be filled with love, lube and nudes!

it’s way later in December than you thought and you have found yourself panicky, sweaty and a total chump. Well I am here to tell you that, since your twenties, your skills in planning and time management haven’t gotten any better, and, let’s be real, neither have your paychecks (Don’t be mad, I just call it […]

An Athena for my Goddess or the Glassgasms You Wish You Were Having

Reviews | Toys | Uncategorized 3 People Give a Shit 3 People Give a Shit

This week is my lovely partner’s birthday and I wanted to get her something that would express how much I love her and let her know that she is, hands down, one of the most important people in my life/is the lesbian wind beneath my big gay wings. Several months ago she mentioned all she wanted for her birthday was a latex dress and then I laughed in her face since we both know she is not marrying up (Note: If you want $800 gifts, you should date literally anyone other than a writer).

I headed for her top drawer/bottom drawer/under the bed/ hanging on the wall to see what she was lacking in her rather large collection of toys. While assessing her inventory, I noticed she was missing glass from her list of materials which is such a shame since its one of my favorites. So, (even though she doesn’t know yet) I bought her the Luxotiq Athena glass dildo despite her being more of a sexy Medusa than a “virgin partroness”. I own one in pink and she would just not have that so I opted for the deep blue as an homage to her famous hair (Yes, Queers color-coordinate toys with their hair dye).

When it rains, it pours

When it squirts, it pours

The first time I tried the Athena I was so nervous about dropping it on my shower floor that my hand started shaking so I had to move into carpeted area to ease my anxiety. It was like the first time you hold a baby and you keep your fingers open like they’re webbed because you don’t want to break the damn thing. And then you become a parent or care-taker (or coolest aunt in the world) and after you watch them tumble off the couch or slip and fall because they hiccuped too hard, you realize that they’re surprisingly resilient and the anxiety subsides. So, don’t throw your glass toys (or babies for that matter) in front of a train or anything, but I have dropped the Athena plenty of times and it has been a good sport about my pretty average mothering.

Once I was confident I wasn’t going to shatter the better part of a day’s paycheck, I found myself using this dildo all the time. Because it is so fabulously smooth, the toy silently glides into me and I can have a completely stealth J.O. session without the person sleeping next to me even knowing. That is, until I have the famously intense orgasms glass toy owners are familiar with. Oh yes, there is a specific orgasm that is delivered via glass toys: Glassgasms. And they are fucking fantastic. The firmness of the glass is so unforgiving that it doesn’t let you talk yourself out of an orgasm the way squishy silicone can. My G-spot has come to love the pressure glass provides and when silicone just won’t do, this perfectly-shaped toy is what I’m reaching for.

Mama Spoon & Baby Spoon

Mama Spoon & Baby Spoon

The Athena is double-ended but with slightly different ends; one is larger and slightly more bulbous, the other more slender, which works perfectly since we almost never agree on any one size at the same time. Even though I’m the smaller of the two of us, I can be a bit of a size queen so, if you’re reading this, dibs on that end. What seems like years ago, when the weather was warm, I used to put my Athena in the fridge for some chilly temperature play… but now it is 15 degrees in Portland and if my lube is anything less than 75, you have to go home because this is just not going to happen. These days I find myself running it under hot water before use or just taking it into the shower with me.

To recap, the Athena is beautiful, smooth, sturdy tempered glass, provides firm pressure from its rounded ends, is easily sterilized, can be used to fuck two people with vaginas at once and will look amazing in the porn I am trying to convince my partner to shoot. Oh, did I mention that it comes in a satin-lined box? It’s beautiful, which is great because at only $70 it is the only gift in a satin-lined box I could afford to get her this year.

For the lube icing on the dildo cake, I also bought her a bottle of Uberlube silicone lube which she doesn’t get to use as often as she’d like in her silicone-festooned bedroom. Uberlube is great because it has a bit of Vitamin E added which allows it to have a bit of drag instead of the slip’n'slide silicone lubes have been known to create. The lube allows for the perfect amount of friction with glass and should have her calling-in to work in no time. If the Athena is as game-changing for her as it was for me I will have succeeded in giving as much love and as many orgasms as I had hoped. And that is the only way to celebrate the best holiday this season.

Happy birthday to my baby girl!

To give someone you love or your fabulous self all the glassgasms you can fit between Christmas and New Years, buy the pink Athena at SheVibe!

And get some Uberlube while you’re at it! This latex-safe lube can also be used to condition tattoos and tame frizzy hair so there is really no reason NOT to have this in your bag of tricks. Or bag of dicks. Whichever applies.

This week is my lovely partner’s birthday and I wanted to get her something that would express how much I love her and let her know that she is, hands down, one of the most important people in my life/is the lesbian wind beneath my big gay wings. Several months ago she mentioned all she […]

Hanukkah We-Vibe Thrill Giveaway!

Giveaways 24 People Give a Shit 24 People Give a Shit
This isn't a giant toy, it's just a tiny menorah

This isn’t a giant toy, it’s just a tiny menorah

Shalom! Well, it’s time to bust out your dreidels, peel potatoes until your jack-off arm is sore, and pretend like you’ve been a good Jew all of 5774.  For you Goys who have no idea what any of that is, this just means your strange Jewish neighbors are going to be making a bunch of noise and frying all of their food for a week. “Who has Christmas for a week? They are so selfish”.

This is one of my favorite times of year so in celebration of the festival of lights I’m giving away THREE We-Vibe Thrills! And guess what, you don’t have to be chosen to win (get it? chosen? ok.) Just enter your info below, get some points and you could find yourself skipping Temple to use We-Vibe’s rechargeable, waterproof, silicone & body-safe ABS vibrator.

With 4 speeds and 4 separate patterns & The Thrills’ bulbous arm was designed to massage the G-spot while the gray top vibrates against the clitoris. But if you’re a butt person or don’t have a vagina, you can insert the arm anally and the gray end will vibrate your perineum-Miracles happening all over this holiday! Each winner also gets some lube samples and a hand-written holiday card from me! Winners will be chosen at random on the last night of Hanukkah (which is Dec 4th for you Gentile lovelies)

חנוכה שמח

& Happy Holidays from Queeraschino Cherry!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

 

Want one now? Buy one from Good Vibrations!

*Must have US mailing address & be over 18 to enter

Shalom! Well, it’s time to bust out your dreidels, peel potatoes until your jack-off arm is sore, and pretend like you’ve been a good Jew all of 5774.  For you Goys who have no idea what any of that is, this just means your strange Jewish neighbors are going to be making a bunch of […]

On Being Young, Punk & a Total Piece of Shit or How to Let Go of Your (Anti)Hero

Feminist Rage 6 People Give a Shit 6 People Give a Shit

Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault, Rape Apology, Feminist Rage

Last week, a very brave and very angry woman who identifies as Elizabeth released this statement and heart-wrenching account of a violent sexual assault that she survived when she was 16, committed by Jorge Herrera-best known as the singer for the overly-worshipped street punk band The Casualties. Rumors around this guy have been circulating for years but now a graphic first-hand account of an assault has been posted for the public to read. What I didn’t expect though, was everyone losing their shit the way they did. People from all over the world theorized about the attention Elizabeth was trying to get, how he should sue her for slander or some worn-out victim-blaming asking why she went into a room alone with him in the first place. Really, don’t read the comments.

Thanx but no thanx

Thanx but no thanx

Then the Casualties released this little gem of a statement on their facebook page:

“Living in the modern age of smartphones and social media it’s easy for information to be shared and spread without any thought to it’s validity. Anyone that is a fan of The Casualties or who knows us personally can confirm we do not support or condone abuse of any kind. While we fully support free speech and free opinion, unfortunately sometimes people can get careless and wrong information gets spread around. The claims are 100% FALSE and we appreciate all of the support we have received from around the world from our friends and fans. We always have and always will be a band that stands for equality, anti-racism, and unity.

Barf. And some of their fans applauded this with nauseating comments that make it apparent they aren’t taking their patronage for shitty music anywhere else.

Some dude:  “Exactly, until they prove it. It’s fucken rumors. If it was true that hyna could have put that dude in jail. But he’s not in jail cus she’s full of shit from the looks of it. If I was a chick and got raped, I’d kill the mother fucker myself. Not just blog about it”

Some other dude: “Some bullshit feminist claim won’t stop this guy from listening to a fuckin awesome band!”

Another fan: “I will continue to support The Casualties! Don’t believe these lies that are talking about you guys! TOMORROW BELONG TO REAL PUNX, NOT FOR STUPID LIARS!”

Now, I’m not saying that sexism in the punk community is surprising to me as I’ve spent more than a few shows being pushed to the back, groped or getting kicked in the face by a guy shouting “No bitches in the pit”.  Yes, really. This wasn’t necessarily a rarity for female-identified, Queer or Gender Variant people at these events; the hostility was exponentially compounded for WOC and QPOC. This was especially true when I was growing up in L.A. and hadn’t yet been introduced to the Anarchist community where I found a more inclusive group of people who embraced Feminism, Anti-Racist activism, Food Justice, Veganism and helped provide a place to feel safer as a young punk. We had to create our own safer spaces because of the violent misogyny from the people who unconditionally supported their favorite bands too.

I’ve actually spent years thinking about the motives of these misguided loyal fans and while it would be easy to dismiss them as scummy losers, I think there is something deeper at play. They are attempting to do what many aging people desire to: hang onto something that reminds them of being young. Do I think some of these comments are from serious disturbed individuals who think women are manipulative liars? Yeah, I definitely do. But I also think it’s difficult to admit that the guy on the poster in your room is a rapist. We’ve all had the moment when we realized that someone we idolized as a young person is, in fact, a piece of shit. I know it sucks having to weigh that really great book/album/movie against some disturbing news about them as a person. For many people, asking them to burn their Casualties shirt (as Elizabeth described one person doing after talking to her about the assault) means burning the memory of their 16 year old punk self, which many people have built their entire lives around. The thinking goes: if one gives up loving the things they loved when they were young, it will mean they’re now old, irrelevant and somehow a disconnected culture sell-out. That somehow, those formative years never happened. This I get.

If you think I don't have rape revenge tattoo, you're sadly mistaken

If you think I don’t have rape revenge tattoo, you’re sadly mistaken

When I was younger, a well-known political activist was called out for sexual assault by a friend of mine and it absolutely crushed me. I wanted so badly to support her and take the same rusted scissors stance I might have taken on any other perpetrator at the time, but that meant killing an idol whom I had dreamt was going to influence an entire movement. And if the face of our movement was that of a perpetrator, then what did that say about us a political entity? Many people struggled with this and as the community split into two, it became apparent that some people needed to hold onto the memory of this guy as an important figure because it helped mold them into the person they are today.

And when I was raped by a partner in college, it was in a room full of my friends who said and did nothing because, as an acquaintance put it, “Being king of the scene trumps being the Feminist victim”. These were people involved in the radical punk scene who read the right zines and went to the right workshops but when someone they perceived to be a part of the foundation of that community committed a major fuck-up, they didn’t know how to support me so they ignored it entirely. As the survivor of an assault by an influential person, I became the enemy. In this way, sexism in the community was more covert and more difficult to combat. If this was the community of “REAL PUNX” and I was another “STUPID LIAR”, then they needed to count me the fuck out. My community failed me and my friend, making us feel unwelcome as women are often made to feel in these scenes.

It took me a long time to find people who supported me, valued Social Justice and wanted to build a scene where people could feel safe participating in events. And we still struggle to address abuse in completely effective ways, but we know that support is critical.

I understand the need to canonize the person we used to be/thought we were, but idolizing macho dude-bro shitheads for nostalgia, to make/keep connections or for some sad teenage street-cred is not acceptable. It’s a large part of why these people are allowed to infiltrate our communities and continue to hurt people. What I’ve learned is that supporting other ladies, Queers and marginalized people in this community is how we survived our youth and it’s what we used to build our lives. Not a band, a shirt or an idol.

Stepping up to support survivors is how we keep our communities alive and sends the message to assailants that Patriarchy isn’t welcome in them. I don’t want to fail Elizabeth. So I’m giving you permission to let go of your heroes and speak out against their fucked-up legacies of oppression. The do not legitimize your past or vouch for your presence in a scene that influenced who you are today. Fuck Jorge Herrera, fuck The Casualties and fuck anyone who excuses sexual assault or any other kind of oppressive behavior. Rape apology or denial is a dangerous game that has real consequences and has no place in the future of radical communities, punk or my life in anyway. Sometimes it’s good to grow the fuck up.

 

Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault, Rape Apology, Feminist Rage Last week, a very brave and very angry woman who identifies as Elizabeth released this statement and heart-wrenching account of a violent sexual assault that she survived when she was 16, committed by Jorge Herrera-best known as the singer for the overly-worshipped street punk band The Casualties. […]

Ask Queeraschino Vol.1 or Why My Dog Gets to Blow Herself (and You Don’t)

Ask QC 5 People Give a Shit 5 People Give a Shit

As an educator, I get people asking me sex questions in every environment I am in from the dog park to the train I take. Friends, school mates, my bikini waxer and most recently, my mom have approached me, not because I look old enough to know a damn thing or because I have the highest degree in my field, but because they’re hungry for information. Because most folks don’t have many people they talk to about sex, any concern about their sex lives or toys or if my Dad can take Viagra and still drink Carlo Rossi every night gets funneled down to me and I do my best to answer honestly and with pleasure and safety in mind. And probably also because nothing scares me anymore. If you’ve got a piece of citrus fruit stuck in your ass while you’re talking to me about it in person, I will help you but just know, that I’ve seen this before. I’ve rounded up some of the most recent questions I’ve been asked and answered them all while ignoring the trance music my new horrible neighbors are blasting.

“Are packers toys?”

They can be. They can be fun, experimental and exciting similar to other toys but for many folks, packers are a serious part of gender identity or expression.  For some, packers can add extra confidence to everyday appearance and for others it can mean the difference between passing as their preferred gender or not, which is something I don’t want to fuck around with. More than a few times people have come into the shop where I worked and would flop around the packers, laughing, yelling “Kelly! Look! This is the most useless dildo! AHAHAHA!”  and I would think, ‘No, YOU are the most useless dildo. GTFO”. The point is, I would hope that folks treat packers and packer reviews with care since there might be more riding on their performance than products we comfortably call toys. Traditional toy reviews are important, no doubt, but the hitachi wand doesn’t help me define who I am in the world, it just helps me be nicer to the people in it.

“Do I need to clean out my butt before anal?”

It's true, vegans do shit a lot

It’s true, vegans do shit a lot

The short answer to this is maybe. When I was a young educator trying to learn the ins and outs of anal sex soo many people told me that enemas were not necessary before anal sex and that pooping within a few hours before would suffice. Only that’s not true for lots of folks and is certainly not true for me. After a really great warm-up, try using a toy or even a finger on yourself going as far in as your are comfortable. If it comes out clean, you may be one of those lucky people with a low-maintenance butthole. Congrats! For the rest of us, you need to poop before and then use a pure water enema several times until the water comes out completely clear. Just so long as you don’t eat Gorditos enchiladas and wait 4 hours, it should stay all washed out. And it’s always a good idea to take a baby wipe to your whole butt region before you ask someone to kiss it goodnight.

“Why does my vagina make noise when I’m on top in 69?”

This noise, my dear, is called “queefing” and it happens when air gets trapped in the vagina then suddenly comes out either by changing positions or by something being thrust into it. It can be embarrassing if you’re with someone who thinks you farted (which also happens all the fucking time) or doesn’t know what a queef is and can not possibly believe your body is making noises. In this case, you can explain it was just air trapped in your pussy or say something like, “Sex with you really blows me away” or something about how they “put wind in your sails”. And if they laugh they get to fuck you, if they don’t, tell them it was a fart, you feel another one coming and they should probably leave.

What is ‘Raw Dogging’?”

Raw Dogging is a slightly idiotic term for having sex with someone’s penis without a condom. Yeah, like a hot dog. But raw. Because we all know that the role of condoms is cooking the penis. Oy Vey. You’ll probably only hear this one around campus so don’t try to say it to your doctor. Also, something about this term makes me think that folks who use it are not the kind of people you want to be fluid-bonded with. Go ahead and leave this one at home to up your chances of having sex at all; raw or well-done.

“Can I actually go down on myself?”

My dog cleanin' up shop

My dog cleanin’ up shop

In the seventh grade everyone at school was talking about how Marilyn Manson removed one of his ribs so he could blow himself and 13 years old me had her Mind Blown. This was, unfortunately not true and he was forced to find other people to suck his dick which is the ultimate bummer in the summer. The only people I’ve heard of being able to do this have penises (long ones at that) and they end up bending in such a way that they can’t breathe while hunched over and it gives them horrible backaches. Because our bodies are designed to be cleaned with our hands versus our mouths like 4 -legged mammals we don’t have the flexibility to get much face-to-junk action. You can certainly try (and look really cool doing it) but unless you are my boxer, your body probably wont comfortably contort the way you need for the most egalitarian BJ of your life. Really, I think this might be the dream you should let go of .

 

Got a sex question for me?

Let me know at Queeraschinocherry@gmail.com

As an educator, I get people asking me sex questions in every environment I am in from the dog park to the train I take. Friends, school mates, my bikini waxer and most recently, my mom have approached me, not because I look old enough to know a damn thing or because I have the […]

A Quick Guide to Lube and, Yes, You Need to Use It

Guides 5 People Give a Shit 5 People Give a Shit
Lube is the new black

Lube is the new black

Whether you’re bringing home people, toys or just riding your bike a lot, you are probably using or need to be using some type of lubricant. Using lube can make sex and masturbation more comfortable and can cut down on chaffing and the possibility of tearing your tissues. The different bases for lube and their interactions with other materials can make choosing a lube difficult if you don’t have all the info. Here is a quick breakdown of what is what and why it matters.

WATER-BASED

The most common base for lubes

Why it’s great: Water-based lubes are easy to find, feel the most like natural lubrication from bodies and when you’re done, they just absorb into your skin so you can roll over and go to sleep/eat a hoagie/finish watching Armageddon.

Downside: Because water does absorb, some people may find that these lubes quit before the sex does. In that case, instead of reapplying, you can reanimate your water-based lube with some water. I know someone who keeps a spray bottle on her night stand to use for a mid-fuck misting to get everything slippery again.

Not compatible with: Water is compatible with everything! Party!

Avoid: Glycerin which is VERY common in commercially produced lubes (I’m looking at you, Astroglide and KY). Many folks avoid glycerin because it acts like a sugar in the body and will likely change the PH of a vagina leading to yeast infections and serious irritation in the anus. Seriously, this shit is everywhere and it is the devil.

Parabens are also in a ton of body products and are used as preservatives. Parabens have been linked to breast cancer and reproductive toxicity. So maybe don’t put them all over your gentle bits, you feel me?

Brands: Some companies that specialize in glycerine and paraben-free water-based lubes are Sliquid, Blossom Organics, and Good Clean Love which I’ve recently started seeing at regular-ass stores like Walgreens and Fred Meyer.

OIL-BASED

Why it’s great: Oil can be a moisturizing option of you want a slippery feeling and a solution to mild dryness. The consistency is unlike any of the other lubes and warms to body temperature quickly.

Downside: This shit is messy. Coconut oil is a solid at room temperature so you can’t put it in a pump bottle like I prefer everything to be in. Also, different oils can clog pores in different people so experiment with several types if you find yourself with a case of crotch acne.

Not compatible with: Anything latex! Condoms, gloves & dental dams are out of the question with oil as it breaks down the latex material rendering the barrier useless. As for non-latex condoms, oil is compatible with polyurethane (Trojan SUPRA, Durex AVANTI) but NOT with polyisoprene (Lifestyles SKYN, Durex BARE).

Avoid: Using a low-grade oil for lube. Just because you can cook with it, doesn’t mean it’s high quality enough to be smeared on your genitals. And if you do have a nice oil that you also cook with, keep your kitchen bottle separate from your bedroom bottle.

Brands: Some people really like YES oil-based but it does have beeswax in it and, since I’m not a beegan, I don’t use it. I’m more of a coconut oil kind of gal. I’ve known people to safely use almond, olive, flax seed, grape seed and oils from many other plant sources. Plus, you can buy them on EBT, so there’s that.

My arsenal

My arsenal

SILICONE-BASED

Why it’s great: Since there is no water in silicone, it doesn’t evaporate and the large molecules of silicone sit atop the skin and stay slippery for, kind of, ever. If you are one of those people that has sex for three hours, you might want to try a silicone since it will keep up. Silicone is also great for sex while you’re showering or  hot tubbing or scuba diving since it’s not water-soluble.

Downside: Silicone lubes are very thin and can run and drip. This can be problematic if you’re trying to keep bacteria from one orifice from contaminating another (I’ll give you a hint: a butthole & vagina!). They can also stain fabric like sheets and my car seat covers so be careful. Silicone also has to be washed off when you’re done using it so prepare to hop in the shower or have wipes on hand.

Not compatible with: Silicone toys! Silicone is a synthetic that with bind to itself and cause the surface of your toy to become tacky or even break off in tiny chunks. Not cool. Even silicone hybrid lubes which have been blended with water can fuck up your silicone toys so don’t screw around. If you really need to mix a toy and silicone lube, put an unlubed condom between the two.

Avoid: Extra additives. There shouldn’t be more than 4 ingredients in your silicone lube. Some companies add Vitamin E or aloe but that’s really all that should be tolerated.

Brands: Eros Pjur, Pink, & Uberlube make some of the top lubes on the market. A review of my favorite is on its way!

There are a million brands of lube and many of them are now offering organic options for people with super sensitive skin. Just read labels and, if you can, touch, smell and taste them before taking them home. You’ll thank yourself for not getting that ‘really silky one’ that ended up tasting so bad no one will ever go down on you when you use it. And if you did, you can always use it to grease your bike chain.

Whether you’re bringing home people, toys or just riding your bike a lot, you are probably using or need to be using some type of lubricant. Using lube can make sex and masturbation more comfortable and can cut down on chaffing and the possibility of tearing your tissues. The different bases for lube and their […]

Fun Factory’s Ocean or How I Lost My Security Deposit

Reviews | Toys 2 People Give a Shit 2 People Give a Shit

 

I'm just going to file this in the trash

I’m just going to file this in the trash

Once upon a time I didn’t know a goddamn thing and bought this toy. Actually, my partner bought it for me for graduating college, which is why this failure enrages me so. When we shopped for ‘the one’ I knew I wanted something compact, like me, and easy to hold for me or her and Fun Factory’s line of “Mini Vibes” caught my gaze. All of the toys on the Fun Factory display were made of smooth silicone and came in wacky shapes and bright colors because, well, Germany, that’s why. Being medical-grade silicone, waterproof, and having a 2 year warranty and a badass magnet charger I knew I wanted one of these things in me. Fast. The sales associate told us the Ocean was great for G-spotting and the extra wave near the base boasted added clitoral stimulation. I was thinking, “Well fuck me sideways! This toy is all I need in a companion; If it also likes kale salads and watching Law & Order we are set for a June wedding”. So with big, stupid smiles on our faces, we took it home to for a little useless degree celebration.

The magnet charger, which is truly the best thing about this toy, clicks onto the base which allows it to be sealed-off and therefore completely waterproof. Once charged, I laid back and let Fun Factory show me what this German could do. The vibration is fairly strong and I used the wave at the end of the toy on my clit even though the motor is closer to the base. Then, as I was ready for the grand G-spot-blowing experience of my early twenties I…hated it. The wave was too squishy to make my G-spot notice they are even going to the same school. And when the whole thing is tilted downward so the second wave is on my clit, the first wave is too far passed my G-spot leaving it out entirely. I guess its just in the nature of second waves to be exclusionary- HEYO.

Fun Factory's "Click N Charge" system is fantasgreat

Fun Factory’s “Click N Charge” system is fantasgreat

The buttons really killed it for me (as if this toy wasn’t dead to me already) because of their strange location. The two buttons sit on the back of the Ocean, opposite of its waves which is EXACTLY where my hand was when I was holding the fucking thing. As I tried tirelessly with melon-balling motion, I pulled the toy in and scooped it upward to scrape a semblance of pleasure out of this purchase. And then it would turn off. Every time. I was so sweaty and frustrated that I let out my best “I’m turning into the Hulk” yell, yanked the Ocean out of me and threw it against my wall.

Because of deep-seeded guilt which I mostly blame church for, I tried again with my partner hoping I was just doing it wrong. 20 minutes went by and I had no interest in what was inside of me. It was like high school all over again. “Anything?”, my dedicated partner asked as I could see beads of the same unsexy brow sweat from anger I had the week before. I made a face that personified ellipses and watched as my partner pulled the toy out, exhaled a, “Fuck this!” and threw it at the wall.

Just to pee in my mouth while I’m sleeping, Fun Factory made the Ocean a huge pain in the ass to clean. The lube and fluids dried in the crevices of the silicone design and after washing it twice, I had to clean out the cracks with a goddamn q-tip. My sex toys shouldn’t be more high maintenance than my morning make up. Ocean, I hate you.

The Ocean had all the fix-ins to be grand but as a great man once said to me, “flour, eggs and sugar don’t always make a cake; Sometimes it just makes a hunk of shit that is $89″. With a disheartened partner & G-spot, a useless toy and two dents in my bedroom wall I was left less than satisfied. Truly, the last time I was this disappointed with the Ocean, I was in Long Beach.

  Once upon a time I didn’t know a goddamn thing and bought this toy. Actually, my partner bought it for me for graduating college, which is why this failure enrages me so. When we shopped for ‘the one’ I knew I wanted something compact, like me, and easy to hold for me or her and […]